


Worthy

by NeirSprite



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ableism, Aliens, Disabled Character, Other, Self-Hatred, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:14:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29203431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeirSprite/pseuds/NeirSprite
Summary: They felt the sadness on their voice and cried even more for causing it. Zeruel shouldn't feel sad, they shouldn't have to suffer because of them.
Kudos: 1





	Worthy

**Author's Note:**

> Posting this Just Because but I understand that what's going on might not be very clear so. Ask away if you have any question.

Bardiel knew that they couldn't be a good Throne, but they still reeled when those terrible, unbecoming emotions grew within them.  
Not only did the universe curse them to be born as a Daeva of all things, it gave their mind the audacity to feel as if it could feel envy. Envy! As if their wretched body could deserve to feel anything but anger at themselves instead of torturing another and making them part of their world.

Bardiel wished to get rid of those feelings and felt disgust toward themselves when they couldn't. When they saw other Alaku batting their eyelashes and discretely showing their perfect bodies to Zeruel, they didn't feel anger over their own incompetence over not being able to be perfect, they felt venomous envy towards the others, as if they could afford to blame them for their own faults.

Worse it was, when Zeruel politely talked to them and then walked straight to Bardiel's side. Zeruel always seemed ininterested in the other's demeneaor towards their presence and Bardiel wasn't sure why.

If Bardiel could be allowed to wish for things, they would wish to be as perfect as Zeruel was. They knew that Zeruel did not consider themselves perfect, but with Bardiel at their side they could easily be Uriel.  
Bardiel thought that the way that Zeruel looked at their scars was unjustified. Scars! Those scars didn't deserve that angry look that Zeruel gave them the scarce times when they put their undersuit aside (They should be sent towards Bardiel's useless hands instead but not once had Zeruel looked at them with anger). Those scars meant that Zeruel was even stronger than they looked, those lines near their core signifying that death couldn't take them when it wanted.

Their lite body and graceful form couldn't be compared to Bardiel's awkward stance and imperfect flesh.

And that's what made Bardiel could not understand.

It was almost rest time. Bardiel was revising the last from the Lau Enforced Report when, suddenly, Zeruel spoke.

“What is bothering you, my Throne?”

Their voice sounded so loud in the silence of their room that Bardiel nearly dropped their documments.  
“Don't scare...” they mumbled.

“Sorry, Throne.” Zeruel lowered their voice almost to a whisper this time. “But i still want you to answer”

Bardiel chewed on their lip for more time than necessary while they tried to find ways to avoid their question.

“Bardiel fine”

Zeruel looked at them with a frightening look in their face that made Bardiel actually jump a little on their seat but didn't say anything.

“Very well.”

Bardiel knew that their body was the first thing that other Aalaki saw wrong with them and they wanted to at least spare Zeruel the bad looks that were sent their way when they saw them walking alongside a Daeva.  
The first thing that they tried to modify was their arms. They ranged between one and four and Bardiel usually ended the day with a different number than when they started it.  
They quickly found out that they could't be trusted with maintaining two arms at all times. Their form protested and hurt and tried to rebel against them more than once, making their body look more disgraceful that it did before.   
Bardiel felt hopeless at first, but continued going. They practiced whenever they were alone, not wanting to look so desperate in front of Zeruel and would write down their marks.  
It wasn't only about their number of arms, but their appareance too. They usually looked scratched and fragile, the weakness of their body didn't help the tremors in their arms when they had to carry something in them. Bardiel wanted them to look as pristine as the ones on the other Alaku and so they covered them in pastes the same color as their skin and tried to close their wounds. 

And so they kept going with their chores day by day, and practicing their looks on the side. They found out that their useless body couldn't do both at the same time when, in their daily practice, their arms grew weak suddenly and sent their writing pads straight to the hard floor.

It wouldn't have been so bad if they were alone.

The other Throne of the Court, Gabriel, had asked them for some help in traslating some pads to LAU and saw their pathetic display live.  
Bardiel felt terrible when they assured Gabriel that they didn't need help and felt their body unable to stand. They saw the concern in Gabriel's body and wanted to dissappear in that instant, to become invisible so that no one could see their faults ever again. Instead, they hid their head in their hands and quietly asked if they could call Zeruel and leave them alone while they came.

And thats how Zeruel found them later, still on the floor trying to organize their writing pads, their effort worth nothing and more eyes on their face that needed, trying to hold back tears.

Zeruel didn't say anything for a few moments and Bardiel thought that they were going to leave until they gently went to help them get up and they burst on tears.

“Leave Bardiel...” their voice was even worse on their upset state and Zeruel tried to soothe them.

“We will to go to our Cubicle and we will help you there”

“NO!”

Bardiel went rigid inmediatly after saying that. They never had screamed at anyone, even worse, they had screamed to an Aazita. They had screamed at Zeruel.

Their head started to hurt and they felt as if they were going to die right there. They tried to get away from them but Zeruel still grabbed their arms in their hands firmly but not roughly.

“Bardiel... what is the matter?”

They felt the sadness on their voice and cried even more for causing it. Zeruel shouldn't feel sad, they shouldn't have to suffer because of them. So they told them the truth.

“Bardiel... practicing. Bardiel want be useful” they tried to hid their face in their hands again but zeruel grabbed their wrist and made them look at them.

“You already are useful”  
“No i'm not!”

“Yes you are.”

“NOT! I USELESS!” Bardiel screamed “I WANNA... YOU ARE MORE... YOU DESERVE ELSE” Bardiel tried to get away from Zeruel and, to their surprise, they could. 

Zeruel looked at them in silence, the only sound being Bardiel ugly hiccups and them trying to stand again until Zeruel spoke.

“I don't think that you are useless.

“I never thought that. I gave you the same chores that the other Thrones because i thought that i believed that you could do them eventually but now I see that that was a mistake”

Bardiel sobbed.

“Useless...”

“No. You don't have to do what anyone else does to be considered useful, and you don't have to determine your worth by how useful you are, either.”

Zeruel caressed their head, and when they got near Bardiel they didn't try to get away this time.

“You are fine just how you are now. I am glad that you are here with me.

I couldn't have asked for a best Throne”


End file.
